i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
