I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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