I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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