You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
