Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
operation have a gay friend backfired
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
