i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize