I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
