i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
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