just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
