I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
We had sex on a dog bed..
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
