I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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