I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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