Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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