I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
