____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
