Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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