There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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