I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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