She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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