remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
