Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
