I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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