At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
