i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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