I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
