I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
