So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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