I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
