and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
