Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
