i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
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Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
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I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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