i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Randomize
