There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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