Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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