yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
God I need to hump something, right now.
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