I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
