You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
