dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize