Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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