If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
