Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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