Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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