hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
