I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
