You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
