Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize