Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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