i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
