Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
