just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
