now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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