decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
