yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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