i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
