Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
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Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
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We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.